Seriously stop shoulding yourself
It's the stealth saboteur that’s hijacking your potential
You know what’s draining your energy more than the 342 WhatsApp groups, the deadlines, the empty fridge and the fact you know if anyone else goes shopping you will still end up doing an emergency shop as all key aisles will have been missed.
What’s draining your energy Doris, is the relentless whisper of all the bloody shoulds.
“I should be further along.”
“I should feel more grateful.”
“I should be smashing it by now.”
“I should be at the gym.”
“I should have said that.”
I’ve heard every version, from my clients and from the voice in my own head - usually at 3am.
And here’s the truth:
Every time we say should, we trigger our brain’s threat response system.
Because your brain doesn’t hear it as a helpful nudge.
It hears it as “You’re not good enough” and gets the whip out to beat you up a bit more.
And then the chain reaction kicks off:
- Cortisol spikes
- Self-doubt loops start spinning
- Your nervous system kicks into survival mode (again)
- You freeze, fawn, over-function, or scroll through Instagram looking at women who apparently don’t feel like this
All from one tiny word. A tiny word that does way more damage than eating a full pack of lemon and lime jaffa cakes (if you know, you know).
Your brain starts treating the “should” as danger, even if it’s emotional, not physical. When we’re in a constant cycle of “I should/I haven’t/I must,” we drain cognitive resources - that’s why you feel overwhelmed, emotionally all over the place with an additional helping of brain fog with no stuffing energy. You’re operating under internalised judgement, judging ourselves against impossible ‘shoulding’ standards. And let’s face it, we’re the harshest of judges on ourselves.
Every time you “should” yourself, you're reinforcing a narrative of lack:
“I should be more confident” = “I’m not confident.”
“I should have figured this out by now” = “I’m behind.”
Over time, this strengthens neural pathways around shame, comparison, and unworthiness not growth. It becomes a repeating identity loop that limits what you believe is possible for you; you limit your own potential without even realising it.
“Shoulds” are frankly a stealth saboteur.
They:
Trigger your brain’s threat system
Drain cognitive clarity
Reinforce unhelpful identity beliefs
Undermine autonomy and agency
Clog up your energy with guilt and indecision
Rewriting the ‘shoulds’ should be easy but it takes practice, consistency and some of that there kindness to yourself . Overwriting the narrative with what you ‘choose’ or ‘want’ puts your power back in your own hands and switches your brain from survival mode to finding your fire.
Those tiny shifts rewire your brain from danger to decision-making, gives you cognitive bandwidth and boosts your ability to crack the feck on with what you are choosing to do (whilst also feeding your reward centre in your brain).
These are your foundations for building and nailing your Inner Edge, my science-backed self-leadership model that stops us from spiralling and gets us back in charge of where we place our energy.
If you’re knackered and already shoulding all over the week with the word “should” living rent-free in your brain it might be time to do something differently and work on that there narrative; looking at what you are choosing to do with your time and energy.
You should be able to do that ; )). It should be okay ; )
This is a little sneak peak into this week’s podcast episode when I get all a bit ranty about all this stuff introducing my Anti-Goal Commandments - the episode drops on Wednesday.
__________
You can also work with me in a couple of ways.
I’m Sarah Knight and I’m an award-winning coach, trainer, leadership facilitator and workplace culture consultant who works with experienced women and progressive organisations lead from the inside out. I’m the creator of The Inner Edge™ Principle, founder of FoundHer Fire, and host of the no-fluff podcast It’s Got Pockets. My work blends behaviour science with bold, real-world coaching to drive performance, resilience and self-leadership that actually sticks.
If you are a woman of a certain age, you can apply to join FoundHer Fire: The no-BS leadership society for experienced women who are not done yet. Business-owning. Legacy-building. No longer people-pleasing. If you’re F45+, experienced, ambitious and still asking, “What about me? Is this it? This is my time” - this is your space. Because you're done proving. You're ready to expand. Because you’re sick of wasting your energy in the wrong rooms, with the wrong people on the wrong things but aren’t quite sure what to channel and where the blinking hec to place your fucks. Because you do have fucks to give. This is where you walk in and exhale.
No gatekeepers. No gurus. No cockwombles. Just women with lived-in wisdom and real conversations.
If you are a female founder, an always-on woman in business, my Coach in your Pocket programme is for you. Eight weeks, 1:1 coaching and training programme for always on women in business, for female founders who are craving the practical strategies and personal performance habits to create more resilience, peace and success. For women who want to find their fire again, to find their purpose, passion and where they want to crack the feck on and have a bloody good time. I’m here to walk beside you, to dial up what’s working and kick the door open on what’s next.